How to Make a 86,997 Calorie Christmas Dinner

For Thanksgiving, EpicMealTime gave us a 79,046 calorie gastronomical monster that makes Paula Deen’s cooking look health conscious.

The TurBacon is “a quail, in a Cornish hen, in a chicken, in a duck, in a turkey, in a pig, all layered, deboned, held together with veal and pork sausage meat, filled with bacon croissant stuffing, lathered in a Dr. Pepper butter glaze, and covered in bacon strips.”

For Christmas, the three Canadian avant-garde chefs behind EpicMealTime have transformed the classic, yuletide staple of the Gingerbread House from a sweet, indulgent centerpiece into a Duplo-like construction of cheese and domesticated animal death.

The Slaughterhouse is comprised of ground pork, sausages, ham, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, ribs, beef tenderloins, mashed potatoes, puff pastry, and lots of Cheez Whiz. Harley Morenstein, Alex Perrault, Sterling Toth, and the EpicMealTime crew turned all the meat and meat accoutrements into a fairy tale castle set in a carnivore’s fantasy world where the rivers are made of thick, processed cheese sauce and the snow is made of bacon bits. It’s what vegans are fed at Christmas dinner if they’ve been naughty.

And speaking of vegans, two rabbit-owning, flax seed-eating Canadian animal lovers recently spoofed the EpicMealTimers and created their own Christmas dinner concoction.

Tofurkey, Soy to the World is a great parody, with seaweed strips instead of bacon and the same indifferent attitude and Carmina Burana-inspired soundtrack of the EpicMealTime original. The guys are also somehow able to make a soy-based meal with no animal components look as disgusting as a building made of cooked meat filled with something the FDA says needs to be called a “processed cheese food” instead of “cheese.”

Happy eating this holiday season, to animal lovers and animal eaters alike.