Tom Cruise Quotes Tom Cruise, Steals Girlfriends

For the past decade – and probably longer – Tom Cruise’s bizarre behavior has stirred many a controversy.

Thanks to that dance on Oprah’s couch, or the tirade against Brooke Shields or his zealous involvement with Scientology, there are those who consider him a complete loon. Others, however, heartily disagree prefer tohim an utter fruitbat. Both sides, though they have their merits, seem to ignore the fact that they are being incredibly narrow-minded, not to mention insulting to both of those magnificent animals.

Fortunately, there are reasonable people out there who are not just name-calling, but actively realizing their mission to expose Tom Cruise as the pompously insane wack-job he is. It is this small cadre that bring to us Tom Cruise Is A C@#%-Block.

I won’t claim to know how two normal dudes like Jim and Matt ended up with the male half of TomKat’s presence gracing their house party, but there are lots of things about Tom that nobody can really explain.

Sometimes, though, Tom shocks you by doing exactly what you’d expect him to do: liberally quote his own movie roles and ruin your awesome party. “Dude, look at the facts; it’s 4AM, the party’s over: it’s you, the girl you’ve been in love with for two years…and Tom Cruise.”

Katie Holmes was a perfectly legitimate object of male fantasy before he came a long and turned her into a hollow-eyed, emotionless husk of eviscerated womanhood suitable only for hushed religious experimentation. People have done worse things, like genocide and Nickelback, but I think kidnapping and what will eventually be considered prolonged mental abuse of a defenseless child count for something in my book. Also there’s the baby, Suri to consider. (Zing!)

Love him or hate him, Tom Cruise is a charismatic guy and when he digs his claws in, it’s tough to get rid of him. Our friend, Jim is finding this out the hard way. Before whisking away Matt’s dream girl, Sarah, Cruise steals one of Jim’s pet fish. Then, despite advising his best friend to consider the possible ramifications, Jim has to deal with Matt falling equally for the tiny huckster.

Written by Not a Banana co-stars Ed Stein (Jim) and Ross Kohn (Matt) and directed by Richie Keen, Tom Cruise Is A C@#%-Block may be a ludicrious little series, but it’s far less silly than the ontological ludicrousness that is Tom Cruise. Evan Ferrante does a spot-on Cruise impression and looks just enough like him with those douchey sunglasses that a drunk would probably have difficulty telling the difference.

If I were Mr. Ferrante I would exploit that superpower for good in order to counteract the excessive polluting of humanity for which the real Tom Cruise is eminently responsible. Now before I drown in a vat of my own hyperbole, go see how this saga plays out.