As much as we all love it, the internet can be a sad place. For all the bright colors and cheerful banner ads, you eventually have to realize that all the people interacting on the internet are, in real life, sitting down in front of a screen and typing, while the world zooms by around them.

Just kidding! LOL! Teh internet rulez!!1! Though it might not be improper to suggest that many netizens are in need of a little face to face interaction.

If seems like too much effort, web producers and Ross Novie have come up with the next best thing; made to order video text message from (seemingly) real girls, all of whom are cute, funny, and absolutely, positively wild about you, the viewer.

Secret Girlfriend is yet another exploration of the first-person confessional style web video, which may in fact be the internet’s first unique cinematic genre.

Each “episode” takes two minutes or less, and features one of several alluring girls talking to the viewer about their nonexistent relationship ( i.e. “It was so cute when you were dancing and your pants fell down”). The episodes are designed to be viewed via cellphone, and if watched in order, the document a relationship with each girl from meeting to breakup.

Of course this premise would all be for naught if the girls weren’t seriously attractive, and this is where Secret Girlfriend exceeds it’s lowest-common-denominator premise.  Each girl is in fact pretty engaging beyond mere beauty, and the producers have made sure to include “types” for every bent, including:

Sarah – cute, sweet, girl next door
Mandy – intense, artistic (i.e. crazy) girl
Topaz – aggressive, sultry Russian
Jackie – enthusiastic sex-addict
Katherine – it-girl starlet
Carmen – sassy tease

There’s also supposedly a smart scientist girl in there somewhere, but I didn’t see it on YouTube, where (just like a proper mail-order bride service) you can view several introductory videos.

The clips are equal parts ego-stroke and sketch comedy. Sure, Sarah is adorable, but as she recounts a meeting with your parents and she mentions the M-word, you get a sense it’s the beginning of the end. In one episode Carmen decides to send you a video strip-tease, but that pesky low-battery icon pops up at the worst possible moment:

There’s definitely a porny aspect, but it’s not as lurid as it sounds. If anything, it’s more like “emotion porn” or a “girlfriend experience.” These ladies don’t just want sex, they’re also eager to do all the little things the viewer might be lacking in their real life relationships, i.e. make heartfelt gifts and talk about fantasy football. They stimulate the intimacy of “ideal relationships”, not just the sexy parts.

This series has been a hit for Atomic Wedgie TV (and their parent company Freemantle Media). Comedy Central recently ordered a pilot for possible broadcast. Details on the plot are vague, the pitch only described as ““a twentysomething guy and his slacker friends, living the dream in the pursuit of sex, beer and more sex,” but I assume the girls will show up in there somewhere.

The most interesting thing about this project is that the pilot is set to be only 11 minutes, a la cable cartoon shows which feature two episodes per half hour. As we ADD-riddled Gen Yers reach adulthood, could this be a new model for sitcoms?  Time will tell.
One more thing. Since every good series needs a spinoff, Atomic Wedgie TV has already launched the next natural step in the series – Secret Boyfriend. There’s only one dude up on the site so far, a strapping yet dapper Australian straight out of a Richard Curtis romcom. Contrasting the attitude of the fantasy boys with the fantasy girlsi is a New Media / Gender Studies Term Paper waiting to happen.

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