If you like web video, you undoubtedly have had Ask a Ninja answer some of your burning questions, like, “how to land a job,” “who would win a fight, a ninja, or a crazy person?” and, “the proper use of commas.” The Ninja has now been answering questions since 2005. He’s also been featured on NPR, in the New York Times magazine, and been quoted on the floor of the US House of Representatives. Seriously, he has.
Now the Ninja has written a book, and Tubefilter News recently caught up with him at an undisclosed and very exact time to bring you this interview to learn more. The Ninja Handbook will drop on September 9th… read and destroy.
Tubefilter News: How did the Ask A Ninja book come about?
Ninja: Well, my Ask A Ninja podcast peaked a lot of folk’s interest in ninjaing, which is a pretty darn dangerous endeavor. So, The International Order of Ninjas decided it would be better if most people died while trying to become ninjas under our guidance rather than by acting out scenarios from Ninja Gaiden 2 or Michael Dudikoff movies.
TF: What was the writing process like?
Ninja: It was kind of like climbing a mountain made of melting mozzarella cheese while being chased by a dragon made of a plausible deniability. Of course, I did the hardest parts of retrieving the ancient scrolls from the Temple of Sharp Flying Objects and devising the most painful way to make Kent and Douglas transcribe them.
TF: Do you think the Ninja will have multiple book deals?
Ninja: That kind of depends on how many people are left after this one.
TF: Can you give us a teaser on the book?
Ninja: Sure, this is a teaser that I call ‘a very serious threat’: “Carefully consider the joy of your soft-headed ignorance before starting down the Ninja Path. There are five progressively deathly steps along the Ninja Path: Nonja, Ninjaish, Ninjalike, Whoooooooo and I.T.A.N. (Is That A Ninja). As you move along the Ninja Path, this book will act not only as a guide, but also as a friend…a very very dangerous friend that you would never turn your back on.
close and learn how threshold is a sliding scale of sanity.
The Ninja Path promises skills and the masters to help you master those skills. Skills that if you do not master will most likely lead to a maimed or dead you. Masters who if you do not master the skills they teach will most likely maim or dead you.
Photo credit: Scott Beale / Laughing Squid (laughingsquid.com)
The Ninja Path promises chance. If we go any further into this at this time it would negate the very nature of the chance the ninja path promises.
The Ninja Path promises death. We were gonna say near-certain death, but why sugar coat it. Knowing that death is imminent will constantly keep you on your toes. Toes that may very well bring upon the very death you are promised. A promise you will never call us on keeping unless you are an idiot, in which case we’ll hop on that promise like ineffectual environmentalism on suburbia.
The Ninja Path promises experiences. Some that will cause even your knees to crack open and vomit. Some that you will wish you could give back or grow back. Some that you actually can give back, grow back, or at least swap with an Akuma in a parallel dimension.
TF: What’s next for the ninja?
Ninja: You won’t know until it’s too late…and it might involve a weaponized kitten.
TF: The ninja has conquered so many media platforms… now what?
Ninja: Media platforms, schmedia schlatforms. We’re just getting started. We’ve got a whole bunch of new shows that are going to download directly into your consciousness from transmeditory planes, we’re working on repealing several of the more constrictive law of physics (e.g., gravity) and we’ve got a new breakfast cereal called The Very Fiber of Existence.
TF: Will the ninja ever run out of answers?
Ninja: Um, I’ll have to get back to you on that.
TF: What would you like to add?
Ninja: I already added it. It was a single pixel of invisible ocular poison that will cause anyone who read this to drop dead at an undisclosed but very exact time.