God bless Dennis Haskins. I loves me some Mr. Belding. He is by far my favorite Dennis next to Quaid (Innerspace Quaid, not anorexic Wyatt Earp Quaid) and “the Menace”(the Family Circus has got nothing on you brother). I’ve only got one question: why so long to get back in the entertainment game? Perhaps he was holding out for something with substance. Like Private High Musical, a new web-series from Red Band Industries, producers of the Brangelina Bunch and I am Zumwalt.

Have you ever wanted to punch Zac Efron in the face? Did you ever think High School Musical needed to be more like Maxim? Did you think anything needed to be more like Maxim? Well then, this one’s for you.

NSFW PHM stars a couple of white guys, a blond chick, a brunette chick, a chick with huge fake boobs, a black guy, and a stoner guy who seemingly has spaghetti for hair. Actually, Taryn Southern (who, evidently, has done a little bit of everything on the web) writes and stars alongside Mark Hapka (who was in a mockumentary that featured both Gary Coleman and Ron Jeremy – “Whatyoutalkinbout Ron Jeremy? Oh, yeah. Your huge johnson.”).

But come on, we know who the real star is. Dennis Haskins is in this! It’s a testament to the enduring power of SBTB, that everyone on the cast is still working. Except Lark Voorhees. So what has Haskins been doing all these years? Evidently, eating. Eating Lark Voorhees. (Now that would be a GREAT web series.)

The first episode, “First Period” (yes, it’s exactly what you think) encompasses the introduction of the new girl, Sandra, and the fact that she is a virgin. Then everybody breaks into song. Not a bad idea for a four minute spot. If only the pilot was as inspired as its premise.

Private High Musical is exactly what you think. A High School Musical satire, but with no satire. Or laughs.

It starts out well. It has a Parental Advisory disclaimer (but I’d watch reruns of the Golden Girls if it was red band). We get a quick breakdown of characters via an attendance role call that happens so fast I only caught the names Kelly. And Kelly. Then we get the musical portion. With such lyrics as “no problem getting ass,” the intent is clearly straight raunch. That’s easier said than done. The episode is creepy, and kind of gross.

I can handle Haskins as Dick Johnson, the pedophile teacher, with all his pent up SBTB sexual rage. And the rest of the cast holds their own, but when the song gets to the part about “leaking your flow,” I think I threw up a little in my mouth. I’m for a good menstruation joke as much as the next fella, but only if it involves Sissy Spacek in the shower while Piper Laurie comments on her “dirty pillows.”

I did like it when one of the girls rhymed “lesbian” with “man.” Thought my head would explode.

But despite its shortcomings, the series shows promise. The cast has talent and the musical format is fresh. Just work on your lyrics. Watch the South Park movie or Flight of the Conchords for inspiration. And with a song like “Herpe on my Dick” coming up in a future episode, I may climb on board. Hell, I sing that in the shower every morning. Actually, I might have to file a lawsuit for copyright infringement. Then there’s Dennis Haskins.

Not since Dimples on a Tuesday night have I seen my beloved Dennis Haskins surrounded by so many nubile young beauties. Welcome back. Check him and his new class out at PrivateHighMusical.com.

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